I started on a new journey 4 years exactly, almost to the date. I remember my nervousness as I packed my things and those of my son and made a quick exit on a rainy fall night. I was nervous because it seemed crazy to those who were outsiders looking in that I would leave what seemed like a perfect situation. But those who lived inside knew that it was only a facade. Very little was real aside from the fact that we were human beings using our correct (“government”) names.
I got tired of pretending that everything was alright. My marriage went south almost immediately after the vows were said. I realized it was a mistake within a few days afterwards, but I was determined to stick it out to make it work. Who ever heard of someone inviting over 300 people, including those from overseas, to celebrate and eat then walking out within a few days?
I stayed – for 8 years. I was married for 9.5 years. The years dragged on, and I tried to make the best of it. I tried to “save” us from falling flat on our faces many times, including working 2 jobs to make ends meet. I remember playing Russian Roulette with money to see if we could pay everything like we should….
One thing after another happened, and when marital infidelity reared its ugly head I was reeling. It was too painful. WHY???? What did I do to deserve that?!?! I’ll tell you what I did to deserve it; I did not believe God when He showed me what was happening before we got married. I thought it was all in my head, just my paranoia. How wrong I was! I trusted what my natural eyes saw instead of what God showed me.
Disobedience, fear and unbelief carry very expensive price tags. (Selah)
After repeated attempts to get us on the right track, I gave up. I realized I wanted something that both of us did not want; I tried to impose the seriousness of the matter to the other party and the rebellion and threats began. (sigh)
As one action/statement led to another, the “writing on the wall” was clear – one of us HAD to leave. After he threatened to do harm to our house if I made him leave I decided to be the one to move out. It was almost too easy to say goodbye to a place I lived in for almost 8 years – the pain of loneliness plagued me every time I entered those doors anyway so why not say goodbye? It is horrible to be married AND to be lonely.
After we moved out, my son was despondent for a while; he cried for his dad several times and asked where he was. He would say he wanted to go home and I had to say “This is our new home now.” Anyone who says breaking up is not that big of a deal is LYING. Straight up. But when the other choice is to live in utter misery and with the possibility of something terrible happening from staying, you do what you need to do to save lives.
The tears I cried cannot be quantified. The prayers I prayed are almost immeasurable. As the hours became days, weeks and months, my inner rage began to dissipate. I was more level-headed and could see more clearly what role I played in prolonging the insanity over the years. When you become an enabler, the person with the problem does not take personal responsibility for his/her actions. The enabler instead gets all the blame when things get ugly.
Soon, I adjusted to peaceful days and nights; no arguments, no all-night pleadings, no more dread of what was coming next. As the years have gone by I have had to unravel the consequences of my foolish actions, but with each problem resolved, I have grown up. I am closer to realizing my greatest dreams, and my journey to complete deliverance via the path of forgiveness (in this instance) has almost ended.
When you can look at your pain and share it with others without falling apart; when you can laugh with the person who made you cry almost daily; and when you can love your child without anger at his other parent, forgiveness and healing has definitely taken place.
God is the God of second, third, etc chances. We are the ones who give people “three strikes and you’re out”. I am thankful He is preparing me for another opportunity to love. I feel unworthy, but I know it is because of His mercy, grace, unfailing love and forgiveness why this will be possible.
Oh God, I want to thank You for doing the impossible inside my heart and my mind.
I know You have better ahead for me.
Help me to receive what You have in store with heartfelt gratitude and honor.
You deserve ALL my praise and worship.
You alone are God, and You have already proven to me that nothing is impossible with You.
I wait on You.