Category: Life

Why Should I Wait Until I Get Married?

I’ve been reading, studying, reflecting and observing thoughts on sex outside vs. within marriage. This is a HUGE controversial topic even among Christians, so I want to share some of my thoughts on this subject.

I believe that many of the issues we face in our relationships today stem from how we handle them from the start. We may see someone we “like” and we get curious and strike up a conversation with them. We may like their car, their clothes, their personality, the fact that they are educated and/or earn tons of money, they are well-known or some other outstanding feature. But do we spend the time in getting to know the REAL person before we move any further with the relationship?

  • Do we know how they handle setbacks or disappointments?
  • Are they responsible?
  • How are they under stress?
  • Do they love children?
  • Are they kind to people whom they don’t need to be kind to?
  • If they manage people, do their direct reports cringe when they speak to them?
  • Are they up to their eyeballs in debt (without a good reason)?
  • Are they STILL married (or are they separated)?

Sometimes we bypass a lot of these important points so we can get to the “good part”: SEX. Isn’t that the purpose for hooking up with someone else, anyway? Right? Well, yes and no.

Those of us who are Christians believe that God created us on purpose, with purpose, and for a purpose. We are not randomly roaming the earth to see what we can get our hands on and what we can do to occupy our time and attention until we die.  There is a reason for our existence. There is also a purpose (or several purposes) for marriage.

  • Definitely one purpose for marriage is being fruitful and multiplying and replenishing the earth (aka having children).
  • Another purpose for marriage is to demonstrate the unselfish love that God has for us, as shown by the biblical analogy of Christ and His bride, the Church that He will return to take with Him to heaven (spotless, without wrinkle or any other tarnish).  As couples live out this real-life example, they learn to love unconditionally, to forgive each other every day and to be merciful, patient and kind in various scenarios and settings. One person may feel like walking away from it all because of daily challenges and stressors, but like our relationship with Jesus Christ, we are to remain loving, consistent and faithful regardless of the circumstances.
  • Then there is the purpose of social responsibility, where the man is leading and teaching a family to become more beneficial to society. Education, the value of hard work, and the daily walk of commitment to loving one woman and raising their children into productive adults keep the wheels of society turning for generations to come.

If we race past the cautionary moments (see the examples listed earlier) or ignore the purposes that marriage serves, how will we be able to keep a marriage going? Unmarried sex does not guarantee that a relationship will last.  I will hasten to say neither does married sex. What keeps relationships together is the foundation on which everything is built.

If a relationship is built on surface things (such as prestige, power & “toys”) then it cannot last. Even if both people manage to get married, life happens and over time the relationship will crack under pressure and eventually crumble.  Life happening can include the loss of loved ones, or birthing children with disabilities, or the loss of a lucrative position at a global corporation, or just plain ol’ LIFE! Some of these situations will knock even the most solid person off his/her feet.

So what is the tie to sex and all of this? The context of sex in a relationship is what matters here. If sex is the only thing that ties two people together, then the relationship is doomed from the start. If a lasting relationship is what is desired,  then getting to know the other person in various contexts is what is needed and should be pursued FIRST. Many of my friends are stating “friends first”, and I totally agree. Get to know the person first without the pressure of sex or romance. Who is this other individual? Let’s get to know them first.

God gave us the gift of self-control, but many of us will not acknowledge it or use it. We can control how we approach sex. Because sex drives are SUPER-strong, it’s best to know how to handle it before it goes beyond our control. Spending a lot of time alone with someone we are just getting to know is certainly not a great idea. We can have discussions but let’s be wise about where we meet, what time of day, etc. so we are only having discussions and spending time to get to know the person – and nothing else.  It really is possible, even in 2012, to get to know someone without getting naked. In fact, sex clouds our objectivity about a person, so we may tend to rationalize red flags and forge ahead with a doomed relationship anyway because of the bond we created through sex.

Being accountable to others who have our best interest in mind is another fantastic way to keep things in the right perspective. When we know that the person will ask us the hard questions, we will want to be able to tell them the truth as they ask. Having a discerning person (one who can see ahead) as a mentor is a definite plus. They can help us remain aware of potential issues that can take us off-course.

Having strong self-esteem means I won’t need to indulge in sexual intercourse so I will feel loved.  And testing the waters ahead of time to see if we are sexually compatible also means that we do not trust the God who made us (and who knows us intimately).  He knows how to meet every need that we have, so why would He not know what He is doing when He provides us with a spouse for life?

Relationships that are founded on building a strong foundation first will be able to withstand the tests of time. This strong foundation is especially important when sex cannot happen between partners (e.g. illness, childbearing, times of prayer that both parties agreed to, or travel).

There is so much more that can be said on this subject but I think I will end here for now.

I will post again soon.

REAL Reflections…..

I have been divorced for a few years now, and during the first couple years I was NOT even remotely interested in dating again, much more getting married. I knew I would do so eventually, but it was too soon to consider it.

Fast-forward a few years and I realize that the time I took away from dating was the best thing I could have done. I spent time pursuing another degree while working on various aspects of my life. I am not ashamed to say I sought professional counseling as well because I was intent on being healed, delivered and set free from much of the emotional baggage I was dragging around behind me.

As I approach the completion of my MBA degree (YAYYY!!!) other exciting things are beginning to appear on the horizon. God has kept me all these years and I am truly grateful. When I look back on this phase, I want to look at it as my time of exponential growth and development in all areas of my life.

My first book has “taken off”, and I am truly thankful for the lives that have already been changed. I look forward to meeting many of you who took the time to read and comment on how you were impacted. “It’s My Life and I Live Here: One Woman’s Story” chronicles many personal events that shaped who I am today. I am thankful for the power of prayer and for the healing hand of God upon my life.

I am READY for what’s next! Please keep stopping by this blog, as I will continue to share when I can.

Thoughts for Today (and Everyday)

Just a quick post to share with you:

God loves you. He’s not finished with you yet! No matter what you’re facing today, just know that He has You in the palm of His hand. No experience should be wasted. Anything we go through is meant to help someone else. Endure and come out victorious!

Understand that nothing happens in your life that surprises God. He knew you would be right where you are, right now. He’s not shocked at all, believe me. He loves you UNCONDITIONALLY. This means that you cannot do ANYTHING to earn His love. That’s right. NOTHING AT ALL. You only have to accept His love and ask Him to forgive you of your sins. 

Treasure your moments with family and friends because all too soon it becomes just a memory. (Trust me on this one.) Hug often. Tell them you LOVE them. Do not be ashamed to say this to parents, cousins, siblings, friends, etc. 

Take your relationship with God SERIOUSLY. Your relationship with God should be the MOST important relationship to you, like your air that you breathe. Don’t be super-deep and spooky, just be serious about your relationship with Him. He longs to speak to you and to show you things that you didn’t know or understand before. Get in His Word more (I’m speaking to myself here as well). Pray. Meditate. WORSHIP. Thank Him. Tell Him you love Him.

Make your life a daily profession and confession of your relationship with God. Without preaching a sermon, others should be able to tell that you are DIFFERENT. 

And remember THIS: We’re not perfect, we’re REDEEMED. AMEN! 

 

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Thinking….and Thanking!

2011 has been QUITE a year! With highs such as the publishing of my first book (thankfully a bestseller) and lows such as my erratic heart rhythms and high financial stress, I am actually ready for 2012.

Parenting this year has not been easy, either. With a little boy transitioning into puberty right before my eyes, and the homework struggles and adjustments to my disciplining strategies, I have seen it all this year – at least, that’s how it feels! I cannot help but feel that the struggles, pain, disappointment and highs this year were intentional. I had the “classroom” feeling all year long. I was taking mental notes as each experience presented itself. What can I change? What steps must I take to make things better for me and my son? What are healthy risks, and what are foolish steps?

This year forced me to put my big girl jeans on and face myself in the mirror. I had to confront and handle habits or situations that I would normally ignore or think of blaming someone else – before they wrecked our lives.  Facing my fears, challenging myself to be more accountable, and FORCING myself to count up my expenses vs. income so I can identify my particular issues, were all lessons learned. Even as I taught my son a few life lessons, I heard my own voice ringing in my mind when it came to how I managed personal situations.

This was the year of the paradigm shift for me. Anything that used to make me comfortable does not work for me anymore. The “Ignorance is Bliss” phenomenon is old now. There is an insatiable hunger to learn more about “life”, more than I’ve ever had before. My former world of comfort is no longer real.

As I step into a new year (which also begins a new decade for me and for my son), I am determined to THINK and to THANK. It’s easy to criticize yesterday’s (or yester-year’s) decisions and stay locked into the past. We all experience losses and it is okay to cry and mourn about it, but honestly, if most of us look over our lives, we have PLENTY to be thankful for. I made some careless mistakes, but thankfully they did not affect vital things we needed.  I felt stuck and wandered in a circle (or so it seemed) for a few months, but with the help of a few people who are close to me, I can finally feel and see my way out!

Another reason for me to be thankful is that I did not have to make funeral arrangements for anyone in my family this year. In fact, I am VERY thankful for this. My church has buried many people this year; one most recent was a 2 year old who was allegedly killed by her father. I am thankful that God has kept many of our minds through unspeakable tragedy, pain, loss and disappointment.

I want to encourage everyone to sit back and reflect on what you’ve experienced this year. Every failure, every test, every triumph, new connections coming and former connections severing – review all of it in your heart and mind. Learn every lesson from each scenario. The situations you faced were prepping you for what’s to come! I believe with all of my heart that 2011 was my “set-up” year – Set-up for Success! If I did not face my fears nor learn some lessons this year, then my future would not be as bright. I am still in preparation mode, but I am wiser now than I was at the start of this year.

I challenge you to THINK….and THANK!

Have a Blessed Christmas and a “Knock-‘Em-Dead” New Year!

Savior of the World….ME??

It has been a VERY LONG TIME since I posted on here; “I’ve been busy” is an understatement!

So I have a question for you: Have you ever heard of situations that others are facing and felt that you HAD TO help them? I have felt that way every time I’ve heard bad news, of a misfortune or a “problem”. This is known as the Messiah Complex; the people who show this behavior feel the need to be a savior to others.

I am very empathetic toward others, and I HATE to hear that someone is suffering for any reason, even if it is as a result of their actions or choices.   I think of ways to “rescue” the person so they do not feel pain. Maybe this is coming from feelings of pain in my past, where I had hoped that someone would come and rescue me; I am not 100% sure. Because of my empathy for others I have been gravely misunderstood by many, and I have been thought of as someone who was trying to cause trouble. I would be so confused by their reactions to my offers for help or to my expressions of help that I would withdraw.

A situation arose recently where I felt pain for one of the parties. I reasoned that the other person was extremely self-centered and did not care about the situation. As I thought about my reaction (“I HAVE to help them”) I began to probe my heart even deeper and asked myself a few tough questions:

1. Did they ask anyone for help?

2. Did they come to YOU specifically to seek counsel or advice?

3. How do you know that they do not have a plan in place to handle that situation, which you cannot see or understand from your vantage point?

4. Is it a legitimate problem or are they in immediate danger?

If the situation involves relatives it gets worse for me, and I believe that my mother’s passing over 22 years ago has made me feel “motherly” for most of my life.

Many may say “Why get involved in something that does not affect you personally?” Because it DOES affect me. It HURTS me when I see others hurting. I was preparing to take the MCATs to go to medical school, but I had to change my focus because I could not handle serious illness and death.  I would get attached to the patients as if they were family members.

I also hate to see others relive my mistakes, especially if they know my story. Why sit there and watch someone make unwise choices and not speak up? I usually compare not speaking up to knowing that a bridge is out and deciding not to alert the oncoming traffic. I’ve felt that by not waving a red flag to alert someone, I was not loving someone.

So after repeated “run-ins” with people, I am learning how to allow God to take care of them.  I mean EVERYONE.  The erring husband and his unsuspecting wife (or vice versa). The single parent who does not discipline his or her child. The unwise person who doesn’t save for the future while their personal expenses are minimal. I could go on and on…..

It will be tough for me, but I’ve decided that the best way to respond to others’ life events is to PRAY and RELEASE them to the Only One who has the power to change men’s (and women’s) hearts and minds.  God created all of us in our mothers’ wombs, and He has a blueprint for all of us. We have lessons to learn and destinies to meet. He is WELL ABLE to handle all the errors and missteps in each of our lives. Many times our “hands-on” help is NOT required.

I will pray that the erring spouse reconsiders their indiscretions and return to their marital commitment. I will pray that the parent sees the necessity in creating boundaries for their child NOW instead of demanding it when the child is older (when it’s too late). I will pray for the young employee who spends most of their money with no thought toward the future, like I did. I will pray for those who are in unfortunate situations and cannot see their way out. I will pray for those who must accept a foreclosure on their home. And I will not try to “save” ANY of them.

As I recall instances in the Bible, Jesus always asked the people who came to Him: “What do you want me to do for you?” Clearly, I am not even acting consistently with how Jesus lived His life on earth. He never lifted a finger (figuratively or literally) without a request directed at Him. One exception that comes to mind is the story of the woman at the well in Samaria (Read John chapter 4 verses 1 – 42 in the Bible.)

There are instances where I can help someone. If they come to me personally seeking guidance or advice, I can ask God to give me wisdom to know how to respond (if I should respond).  If they need food or clothing and I have the means to give, I will.

I am not Jesus Christ Incarnate.  I still have to be strong and available for my son and my grandmother. I can’t save or rescue everyone.

But GOD can. I will allow Him to do His job.

Want to Marry? Let God Choose!

Recently I have been pressing in with prayer on marriage. It is my desire to remarry and there are certain lessons I have learned recently. I would like to share them with you.

  1. God is MOST concerned about spiritual compatibility AND purpose compatibility more than anything else. If we are unequally yoked with an unbeliever or with someone whose spiritual level is different from ours then we will not make it as a couple. This is regardless of income, community status, corporate status or church status. Our purpose MUST line up as well. What were we called to do? Who are we supposed to be? With the wrong spouse in our lives we may get to our purpose but we may struggle a lot more to meet it. Or we may never do it at all. With the right person, things flow between both of you. There is an understanding and compatibility that resembles a glove that fits a hand well. Friction is at a minimum as you are both heading in the same direction. The tug-of-war feeling dissipates when the purpose of both marriage partners are aligned.
  2. Appearance and other temporal factors (such as skin tone, height, weight, earnings, education, etc.) matters more to us than it does to God. We sometimes miss God because of what we consider to be right for us. What if your perfect spouse is 5 inches taller than you and much darker than you would have preferred? What if he is a mechanic by day but a student of the Word in the evenings because he is preparing to preach the gospel? What if she doesn’t have long, flowing hair but she has creative ideas that can help you with your business? Many happily married people have stated that their spouses were right before their eyes, but until God unveiled their partner they thought he or she was just another person (or just a good friend).
  3. God does NOT need our help in finding a spouse. He does, however, need our cooperation. We need to prepare ourselves to receive who He has tailor-made just for us. This also means that our biases (racial, educational, financial, appearance, etc.) must be laid out before Him so that He can work on us. We may decide it is time to search for a spouse, so we do what we’ve always done: We get hooked up on blind dates, or we scope out the church for a brother or a sister. What I am learning is that these things can help us meet new people but we need to go to God DIRECTLY when seeking a spouse. Sometimes the person we think is right for us is not God’s best. He knows what we need. He knows WHO we need. And He knows what we need for the future. Our vision is only for the present, but God knows our entire life story and who would be best to help us fill in all the details and to share our experiences with us.
  4. Our dependence on God for a spouse shows that we trust Him fully with our lives. When we insist on finding the love of our lives, and after we do we present to Him who we chose (which is what I did the first time) then we must be willing to handle the consequences of such a decision. If we depend on God to select our mates, then He is held fully responsible for how things turn out. And trust me, if He has ANYTHING to do with it, the marriage will be a match made in Heaven! This does not mean disagreements won’t come, nor does it mean sickness or financial trouble won’t appear, but you will have such a strong foundation that you will not be shaken by what comes. And divorce won’t be on your mind, either.

Many of us surrendered our hearts to Jesus Christ to be Savior, but we will take a lifetime in allowing Him to become Lord over all aspects of our lives. Let us allow Him into this very important area, that of choosing a spouse for us.

Humility While Leading Others

Written in July 2007 based on circumstances I was experiencing. This piece is still relevant in many circles (especially in our churches) today!

 

I have not been in many leadership positions (I think mainly because I am quite shy), but I have always been intrigued with leaders and I watch them very closely. What I now notice as a common trend is the tendency for leaders to become overconfident in their abilities and in their judgment.

I am certain that many start out shaking in their boots at the task that was laid before them on accepting the role, but as the years passed and certain decisions were successfully made, they become more confident in their ability to lead in that position. Then over time, they began to cross the line….

They may forget that they are also fallible humans, even if others around them are following them or subordinate to them. They may speak to others unkindly and discount others’ opinions (which may be valid ideas or suggestions). They may misjudge character based on their own perceptions and not based on the truth of a matter. They may think that everyone else has “that problem” or “those problems”, but not them. They may have others watching someone they do not trust or whom they think will hurt them or their interests, and manipulation of circumstances and people becomes the norm.

Family life may disintegrate if they take their headiness home with them (and usually, they will). Throwing one’s weight around to show “Who’s boss” may become the order of the day after a while, causing fear and insecurity to take root in the family.

But then, one day it all comes to an end. Why, because God has heard the cries of those who are hurting because of the leadership style they have adopted. Also, God will intervene because of arrogance, which He hates. Proverbs 16:18 states, “Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall.” Many times such leaders are sure they will never be reprimanded or caught or stripped bare, so they are usually caught by surprise when it happens.

Let us recall Nebuchadnezzar, the king who hardened his heart and craved worship that rightfully ONLY belonged (and still ONLY belongs) to God. He received several warnings until he was given a final warning, which he scoffed. He was sent to crawl on all fours for seven years, living in the wilderness like a wild animal. Once the seven years passed, his right mind came back to him and he acknowledged that God was indeed the only God deserving of worship. (Read the entire chapter of Daniel 4 in the Holy Bible.)

I grieve for some leaders who I am now submitted to in several situations. Please help me pray that they will heed the voice of the Lord (no matter what vessel God uses to deliver His Word) and will allow Him to be the only One who receives the worship and praise He truly deserves.

Let us pray:

Oh God, have mercy on our leaders. Give them humble hearts, hearts willing to learn and submit to Your authority. May they allow you to have free course in their lives. May they never take the credit for anything they have been able to lead successfully, knowing that the success is only granted because You allowed it to be so. And help them to learn about and be mindful of the story of King Nebuchadnezzar and several current examples (in churches and in corporations) we have today.

May we all allow you to have our hearts completely and to stay humble before You both now and forever.