Celibacy – Why I Live That Life

I haven’t yet written about my celibate life and why I’m on this journey for eight years so far. So here’s why.

1. I am a Christian, and I firmly believe in the Bible. Hebrews 13:4, NKJV states: “Marriage is honorable among all, and the bed undefiled; but fornicators and adulterers God will judge.” I know it’s considered ancient, outdated and very “Cleaverish” to believe in or to practice celibacy based on the Bible, but I also have other reasons which are listed below.

2. I don’t have to live in fear of picking up a STD or getting pregnant unexpectedly. I know there are “precautions” that we can use and many of them work well when used properly, but there are MANY people who thought they were safe and were still “caught”. As one of my social media friends pointed out recently, we save a LOT of money when we don’t have to purchase birth control or condoms or take frequent tests to ensure that we did not pick up a disease. I don’t think the 15 minutes of pleasure is worth the angst that follows thereafter.

3. My heart is free. The issue of soul ties where we are intimately connected to everyone we’ve ever slept with is REAL. Having to untangle my heart and my soul from several men is, thankfully, something I am not struggling with at this time. I had to work through that issue when my divorce was finalized, which was a tough situation. With healing comes the realization that I don’t want to go down that path again unnecessarily (or EVER).

4. My conscience is clear. It is human nature to rationalize what we want to accept, whether it is the right thing to do or not. I’m very hard on myself in many areas of life because I want to reach higher and grow wiser and stronger in Christ. If I need to justify my behavior to feel good about myself even at the expense of my testimony and my relationship with God, I think I would lose that fight.  Because God created marriage as the context for intimacy and procreation, as a single woman I have asked Him to help me honor my vow to live out His Word.

5. I’m setting an example for my son and for others to follow. We can live fulfilled, pleasurable and productive lives without sex (which includes masturbation and viewing pornography). We are free to pursue our purpose when we are not focusing all our energies on satiating our feelings and desires.

Are there challenges in maintaining celibacy? Of course! I’m human and I was married before, so I know what intimacy is like. Even before I was married (I was a virgin on my wedding day) I still struggled to maintain my virginity up to the age of 25.

Some of us have asked why has God given us these urges if we weren’t supposed to act on them. I think of it in this way: We are given appetites for food, for sex and for other things. If we act on our appetites inappropriately, we reap the consequences of those actions. If we eat at the wrong times (e.g. too late at night) or if we eat the wrong foods OR too much food, we will experience weight and health issues. If we eat in the proper context (eating to live versus living to eat), we maintain a healthy weight with fewer health issues. In that same way, practicing restraint in sexual activities and keeping it within the context that God created it for (which is marriage) makes it fun and a GOOD thing! When children are conceived in a healthy marriage there is a secure nuclear unit, which is the ideal home environment for them.

I am determined to keep the big picture always in the forefront. I am willing to sacrifice a momentary pleasure that has the ability to derail the rest of my life and I am choosing instead to WAIT until God sends Mr. Right in my direction.

I recommend these pages for more information and encouragement on your journey to celibacy:








Are You In Danger? Pay Attention to the Signs!

This post will be very different from anything I’ve ever written before. I believe it is for someone in particular.

You may be in a relationship and you’re wondering if what you are experiencing can be classified as an abusive relationship. Here is a tip: If you are afraid to be yourself and you do NOT feel safe (even when nothing dramatic is happening), you are being abused. 

I was married before, and you can read about some of the experiences I had in my book:    “It’s My Life and I Live Here: One Woman’s Story“. There were moments when I feared being hurt physically and other moments when I felt the urge to run for my life, so this post is based on my personal circumstances in the past.

Here are some of the signs you should look for to confirm your feelings:

1. They seemed to have changed overnight. They were charming and accommodating when the relationship was new. Now that you have been together for a while or your living situation has changed (i.e. you’ve moved in together or you’ve gotten married) they seem to display a “Dr Jekyll/Mr Hyde” personality.

2. Your feelings and strong convictions/beliefs are being invalidated. If you are loved, your feelings and opinions about something will not be squashed, laughed at or minimized. You will not be labeled as “over-sensitive”. Your personal beliefs and convictions will not be belittled or ridiculed.

3. You are being limited or prevented from doing things you loved to do in the past. If you always went for a run after work in the park and now that you are with them you cannot go because he (or she) is giving you a hard time consistently for any reason, pay attention.

4. You cannot see your friends and family freely. This includes being able to invite them over for visits or you going out with them or seeing them. HUGE red flag – Pay Attention!

5. You seem to know very little about who they REALLY are. When someone seems to know you much better than you know them, you are in a very vulnerable position. Being too predictable and having a “set schedule” also makes it easy for abusers to control their victims.

6. You cannot seem to meet their friends, and you have very limited interaction with their family members. If they always have an excuse on why you can never meet or hang out with their friends or why their family members never visit even when you ask, pay attention.

7. They tend to guilt-trip you into doing things against your wishes. Did you REALLY want to go to that event, or did they make you feel bad so you felt obligated to attend?

8. Every conversation or argument seems to turn against you. Are you always to blame – directly or indirectly – for something that did not turn out right? Is EVERYTHING your fault? In reality, no one particular person can be at fault for everything that goes wrong in a relationship. That would mean that the other person is perfect, and that is impossible.

9. You are punished in some shape or form for speaking your mind. This is similar to the second point listed, but it’s still different. Are you made to feel the effect of something you said to them two days ago? Do they withdraw, act out, manipulate or take away something you love because you “went against them”? Pay attention.

10. They move things around a room or a home to make you think you’re going crazy. This is termed “gaslighting“. This is an attempt to alter your perception of reality and situations so you will end up depending on them to give the “real story” of things that happen. You will ask a question because you don’t trust something that you see or hear and they will give you a very plausible answer to make you believe that your instincts are incorrect. When you fall for the bait, you find out later that you were tricked. Here is where ultimate control of an abuse victim occurs, and feelings of helplessness abound. If you find yourself wondering “Now wasn’t the sofa always in that corner, why is it here now?” or “I know I left my book here!” and they begin to make it seem that you are the person who isn’t remembering facts correctly, TAKE HEED!

11. Lying – and lying for NO seemingly apparent reason. Please note that every lie is calculated. It may seem unnecessary to lie about simple things, but the abuser’s purpose is to ensnare you!

12. There is always a threat being issued – whether to hurt you, your children or your pets, or to destroy something of value to you. When I was married I owned a beautiful truck. I gave serious pause when I was threatened and was told that my tires would be slashed or screws would be scattered on the driveway to destroy my tires. Why? Because I took away my ex’s set of truck keys because he would drive my truck on escapades without me and return it with the tank almost empty.

13. You feel as if you’re being watched, even when no-one is around. My marital home had a camera almost everywhere. I was told it was to protect us from thieves, etc. Our neighborhood wasn’t known for thefts. Eventually I realized (after watching a video recording of our driveway that ran for a few hours) that the cameras were watching ME. Don’t forget that cameras do not only “see” but they also record sounds.

14. They pick fights for no apparent reason. This behavior usually happens when they are guilty of stepping out on the relationship and want to find a way to justify the behavior. “She makes me mad all the time, so I had to cheat.”

15. You cannot seem to find the time to relax or rest. They will have you busy from sun-up to sundown while they always find the time to get away to relax. This is especially true if you have children together.

These are just a few of the signs of abuse. Whoever this is for, please do not play with this situation! Get help, and GET OUT! An abuser does not become better with time, nor do they remain passive over time. It usually starts mildly, then it gets more sinister and bewildering over time. Physical abuse always follows mental and emotional abuse.  Their main objective is to CONTROL and USE you for their purposes. Once they have you under their command, it can be difficult to break free. They will pretend to “get better” or change, especially when people they want to impress are around. Truthfully, they’ve found a better way to fool you and keep you around.

They cannot be appeased. You cannot “love them out” of abuse. They need professional help to break free from abuse, and they have to want the help themselves.

Leaving them has to be done in wisdom to ensure your safety and the safety of your children or other loved ones. Many possessive partners “snap” when the person they’ve controlled steps away from their trap.

I pray that whoever this is for will heed the warnings and move quickly to safety and sanity. God will restore any material thing you may lose in the process of leaving. TRUST GOD. He is your Provider and Protector.

Please feel free to email me at shellylove2002@gmail.com if you have any questions.

“Are You Ready for Love?” on the Chat Kafe Blog

Hi everyone,

I am STILL writing! Check out my latest post on the Chat Kafe Blog:


Pursuing What Counts in 2013

This blog was first launched on December 29, 2010. Two years of triumphs and tragedies have passed since then, and I am thankful that I am still here to share this special moment with you – the end of yet another year.

We’ve seen significant changes financially, spiritually, socially, in politics, and in our communities all around us. We’ve buried many children due to violence, like the recent Sandy Hook Elementary School horror in Newtown, Connecticut (USA) and Trayvon Martin’s untimely death in Florida. Some cities like Chicago, Illinois (USA) have buried over 500 people in 2012 due to violence alone. Wars have erupted in the Middle East and in other world regions as governments and regimes fight for various rights or privileges. People crush each other any moment they get a chance (on social media, in the workplace) because of the fierce competition that is now ensuing.

What about our futures? What type of world are we creating for the generations coming up behind us? Are we proud to show our children how materialistic we’ve become? Is having all the latest gadgets, clothes, shoes and cars the only way to show that we’re “really living”? Do we make the effort to extend ourselves to help others, or are we content with the “us four, no more” mentality?

When we are at work, can anyone say that we genuinely care about their well-being, even if we are managers? Or is self-preservation the name of the game?

What about our church circles? The shame and embarrassment seems unending when news is broadcasted about our issues. Are we willing at all to step aside and allow God to take full control of our private appetites so they do not boil over and become public disgraces?

We need a revival of our souls. We are thirsty and are reaching for things that will never satisfy us!

2 Chronicles 7: 14 – 15 (NKJV, Holy Bible) states:
“….if My people who are called by My name will humble themselves, and pray and seek My face, and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and will forgive their sin and heal their land. 15 Now My eyes will be open and My ears attentive to prayer made in this place.”

I have such a spiritual hunger and thirst deep within me now that I cannot truly explain. I’m at a place in my life now where dressing in the latest labels and designs are a nice-to-have and is not required. Driving the latest model car means nothing to me now; I’ve done that twice before. Living in the “right” zip-code means very little; I’ve done that before too. What I NEED, more than anything else, is more of GOD. He speaks to me in the small things and in the big things. His care is evident. His love is precious. He speaks to my soul in ways I cannot describe adequately. Dreams, desires and ministries are birthed when we submit our lives into His hands.

As we embark on a new journey that begins in just a few hours (less than 12 hours), let us stop the busyness, step away from our electronic devices for some time and give God our undivided attention. He longs to commune with us. His presence gives us unexplainable peace of mind. His presence brings divine revelations on how to proceed in our lives. His love envelops us and heals us of past hurts and disappointments. These are not just cute sayings; these are REAL results when we stay and pray. Meditation on the Bible is vitally important in growing and developing us as living examples. Reading biblically-grounded books help as well. Take notes as you meditate, read and reflect. Allow God to push you into your next place of blessing (or testing).

I want to worship God with ALL my heart, mind, soul and spirit. I want to worship Him as I approach a new year with new challenges and new blessings.

Will you join me?

I wish a Happy, Healthy and Prosperous 2013 to you and your families!

New blog post on The Chat Kafe Blog: Before You Say “I Do”

I LOVE writing!

I am thankful for the opportunity to share again on The Chat Kafe Blog:


“This Is A GOD-Thing!”

“I’m thankful that my life-journey was not designed by me. This isn’t a self-promoting gimmick. This is a GOD-thing & I won’t apologize for it.”

This is a post I shared on social media after having an interesting experience earlier today. I was told by someone whom I considered a friend and who knew me intimately that “You like your name in lights. I’m not like that.” I believe that the Holy Spirit made me SHUT UP because I would typically GO IN on comments like that.

I realize that not everyone understands the motives behind the message. But if you’ve read my life-story “It’s My Life and I Live Here: One Woman’s Story” you would realize that “having my name in lights” is the LAST thing I’d ever want to do! I would be VERY comfortable with sitting in the background somewhere, watching everyone else and applauding and supporting others from behind the scenes. But God had other ideas, and because I trust His plans for me, I am getting with His program.

I knew that God cautioned me in my spirit about this person before; now I know that what He showed me is NOT my imagination. God’s Word doesn’t lie, folks: “for out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaketh.” Matthew 12:34b KJV

Let’s realize that our lives are not ours. If someone else criticizes you and you know that your motives are in line with God’s Word, step aside and allow God to fight your battles. He promotes and elevates whom He desires. Remember that if we speak out against what God is doing in the lives of others, we will have to live with the consequences for doing so.

I am determined more than ever to live my life ON PURPOSE, for PURPOSE.

My Graduation Celebration!

About 2 months ago one of my coworkers began to HARASS me about hosting a graduation party. I had just completed my MBA in Global Management and I was telling her how I felt as I clicked “Post” to submit a paper for the last time.

I was really NOT hearing it. A HOUSE party? At MY place? I wanted to find every excuse why I could not afford to do this. She kept coming back to me to ask: “So how are plans coming along for the party?” After I had a war in my head, I reluctantly sent out invitations.  People began to respond and my panic level began to rise.

I had to overcome my fears and insecurities as I had never opened up my home to a large group before. Thankfully I was able to pull it off this past weekend! I had THE BEST TIME! Most of my friends did not know each other so this was a great way to get all the people together who mean so much to me in one place. The love and excitement was contagious. The children/teens who came were happy to be there. My son had a BLAST!

Here are a few photos from my awesome event:

My graduation cake!
Graduation Cake! (Delicious)
Fun times!!!
Doing the Grad Walk! :)
Grad walk down the imaginary aisle….
Friends and Family!
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