TOSC – Sign up before midnight tonight!!!!

Hi!

If you saw yesterday’s post, I mentioned TOSC, the 100% online singles conference coming up at the end of this week – Friday, March 11 and Saturday, March 12.

Jamal and Natasha Ann Miller, conference hosts, invited well-known experts and married couples to share valuable information with those of us who are single and want a healthy marriage someday.

To take advantage of the current pricing of $97, click on the link HERE before midnight tonight!

After midnight, the price will increase to $147 per person.

Don’t miss the current price of $97! 
Check out the flyer for the lineup, and I’ll “see” you there on Friday and Saturday!

Final-Price-Countdown-Tonight-1

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Boundaries and Relationships

I’ve spent a lot of time evaluating personal boundaries and relationships of all kinds: family, romantic, work, etc.

One thing that has stood out for me as a key item is the importance of erecting and maintaining personal boundaries. When I think of boundaries, I think of a house with a picket fence or wire fence around the yard – with a gate. Boundaries keep things that belong inside, inside; and what belongs outside, outside. I also think of our bodies; our skin is a boundary. Skin keeps things covered and prevents unwanted and harmful things from getting inside our bodies.

So, boundaries act as barriers. Things can go in and out of boundaries, but on a regulated basis. If something breaches a good boundary, there will be some type of consequence. If we refer to my examples, the fence with the gate is the main access portal into the yard of that home. Then, after you access the yard, you will still need to get through the door to gain proper access inside the home. If someone decides to jump over the fence, or tear it down in some way, then break the door down (or break in through a window), these are unwanted and undesired methods of accessing the yard and home. The owner can call the police, or they may have a dog in the yard that can help the intruder understand that proper access is necessary when crossing the boundaries. Breaching good boundaries will have consequences. Also, for the skin: if someone gets cut, the blood comes out, but platelets (which includes white blood cells and clotting agents) immediately start to work to “plug” the cut. In this way, the breach is repaired to prevent further damage to the body.

As we review these examples, let’s look at our boundaries. It’s necessary to place boundaries around ourselves, our hearts, our personal lives, and our finances. We cannot be all things to all people. There is a limit to what we should allow in our presence, or what we should accept from others. Respect, kindness, fairness, consideration, etc., are attributes that we should offer, expect, and receive from others. When they are not received, we must first evaluate the situation, and then with wisdom and tact we must address the breach if it continues. If the breach continues, we must find ways to minimize or eliminate the source. This is how we maintain our boundaries. If we allow others to cross our boundaries in “illegal” ways continually, then they will be ignored and trampled. This is no different than someone’s home being robbed repeatedly; the thieves know that the owner is not being vigilant and will repeatedly attack their property without fear of barriers being erected to stop them.

So, if your heart is trampled  repeatedly by someone who says they love you, and you accept it over and over, you must find the courage to stop the breach and close the wound. If there are issues where your rights are being dismantled before your eyes and you allow it, the person or institution will assume that you are guilty of what you are being accused of, or that you feel powerless to change the situation and will not fight back. You are the only one who can reverse that tide.  If someone is misusing your funds, or stealing from you, set up measures to stop it – or reverse it.

There are so many ways that we allow boundary breaches and then we pretend to like the outcomes that occur as a result. Sometimes we may feel helpless, as victims of abusers often feel. But here’s the thing: an abuser can only misuse someone who allows them to do so. Although it may be difficult to leave an abuser (of any kind) or stop their unwanted behavior, we must be bold, wise and strong and walk away. If it’s a situation where you cannot leave immediately (e.g. a hostile work situation without another means of income), create an escape plan and act on it as soon as possible.

Just know this: strong boundaries are important and necessary for healthy, long-term relationships of every type. Without good boundaries we will be bleeding into the streets, and our belongings (literally & figuratively) will be misused and abused by those who have no right to access them.

If you’ve discovered that your boundaries are broken and they seem to be destroyed beyond repair, get help from a professional. Everyone deserves to be respected, and hearts deserve to be protected from those who disregard boundaries.

My Surprise Discovery in Relationships

I’ve been single (again) for a while; in fact, I’m approaching 10 years of separation and almost 9 years of being divorced. This journey has been by far the most rewarding aspect of my life, because the level of personal growth has amazed me. I must emphasize though that it isn’t “fun” being a divorcee or being the participant in a failed marriage. That feeling intensifies when I look at my now towering son, wishing things were otherwise. (Thankfully, he and his dad have a good relationship.)

So, I’ve recently made a startling discovery as I begin the journey to “not be single” – and that discovery is buried pain. Because I came from an emotionally abusive situation, I realized I needed to have a way (or two) to let the pain out and to begin the journey to heal. I signed up for counseling and went religiously for a few years. I started to blog (which is why this blog exists). I started sharing some of my lessons learned in convos with family members and friends.

As time went on, I had the strength to get back out and become active again; I started singing in the choir, teaching Sunday School, volunteering on the dental van for the company I used to work for, traveling, and so on. I even signed up the lil guy for sports. I felt I was doing well.

Now, as I’ve opened up my heart to someone new, some of the pain that I thought was resolved started rearing its ugly head. Things that I thought I’d never see again, reappeared. I was not ready for that, and wondered what happened to all the time of counseling, journaling, praying, crying, fasting and so on.

I think I know what happened: I am still on a journey towards healing, but without being in that situation, you won’t know how complete the healing is.

Think of someone playing a sport and spraining or breaking an ankle. They are carried off the field or court and to the ER. X-rays find the extent of the damage; they receive a cast or a wrap, and they are given instructions on how to manage the injury. They may also receive pain meds to take the edge off. In about 6 weeks they return to remove the cast. X-rays show that the bone or ligament is mended. The X-rays may show this fact (the healing), but the true test occurs when that athlete goes back out there and attempts to run, jump, kick or whatever they need to do. Pain may occur. Does it mean that the X-rays were telling lies? Was the machine faulty in what it displayed to the doctor or X-ray technician? No! Healing did take place, but now the ankle needs to be strengthened and conditioned to get it back to where it was (or stronger)! So the next step needs to be some type of physical therapy, and strengthening exercises. Once the athlete has completed required conditioning for their ankle, they will be able to run, kick, jump and do whatever else they need to do, and probably even better than before.

So here’s my heart; I have gone through the process of healing. My spirit is no longer hostile towards my ex-spouse. I can honestly say that I care what happens to him as the father of our son. So these feelings that resurfaced may just mean that my heart needs some conditioning and possibly more therapy as I adjust to changes.

I can also say this: anyone who has been through a traumatic situation must consider the importance of continued counseling. Get things off your mind, heart and spirit so that you can grow and become all that you need to be. Also, if you are dating seriously, talk through your fears or issues with that person so they can begin to understand your response to things. Here is another important point: Do not neglect or ignore pre-marital counseling. In fact, I highly recommend pre-engagement counseling as well so you are assured that you are heading in the right direction with your intended. This is highly recommended for people who want to marry again.

So that’s all, until next time!

The Problem with Loving a Certain Type when Dating

Those who know me know that I have a passion to help singles live authentic, fulfilled lives. I am also single (divorced), so I’ve incorporated lessons that I’ve learned into my own life. One lesson that a lot of singles are beginning to learn is that of loving the person whom God has sent to them.

Let me explain. Many of us (this seems to apply mostly to women) have a “type” that we want to fall in love with,  settle down with and have model-status babies with. You know, the tall, caramel-colored man with slightly curly hair, tight abs and a nice bank account. He lives in a gated community and drives a high-end luxury car or SUV (or both). His bank account is healthy, and he works at a Fortune 100 company. His aquiline features make every woman swoon. Yes. HIM. That one. FYNE!

Well, take a look around you. Are you living the type of life that you’re looking for? Are your abs tight? Are you also living in a gated community with a couple of high-end cars parked in your underground garage? Is your bank account healthy? Heck, are you healthy? If you aren’t what you’re looking for, don’t think for a moment that you will be able to get it. Sometimes people of different backgrounds or different pay grade levels may get together, but typically this relationship will work if the other person commits to working to raise their standards of living or to challenge themselves to achieve more out of life. Also, while still single, be willing to make life-changes just for YOU so that you can enjoy the selection of a different category of men.

And another thing: Make the effort to love those who have the capacity and the desire to love you with all their hearts. We’re learning that many of the tall, caramel, six-pack guys realize that they are a “nice catch” and make every effort not to get “caught” in a long-term relationship or marriage. If they know they can get 100 more women over the next year or two, why settle down with just one? We chase those types, and then the men who may not have everything in place but who have hearts of gold are overlooked, ignored and also disrespected by some of us. This also means we are overlooking at least 70% of the available men as the average height for most men is under 6 feet tall.

We are also known for “friend-zoning” good, single men because they aren’t our “type”. There’s that word again.  Just know that friendships build the strongest foundation for lovers, because when physical intimacy isn’t possible or when friction occurs, your friendship will be one of your main anchors within the relationship.

Let us pay closer attention to the men in our lives. Are you ignoring Mr. Right because he isn’t your “type”?

A Special Announcement!

Hi everyone,

I have been working on my second book and I shared quotes and reviews in earlier posts. Now I am ready to share the cover for my new book!

Here it is!

Cover for my 2nd book
My book cover!

The book launch will be announced soon! Stay tuned!

Thank you in advance for your support.

Another Radio Interview!

On Thurs July 24 I was interviewed by a friend, Crystal P. Smith, on Blog Talk Radio.

The interview was recorded; click here to listen!

I had a wonderful time, and I received an invitation to come back in September for another interview!